you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
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