I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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