I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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