i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
