I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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