I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize