Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
