The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Randomize
