I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
