My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
