She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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