it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Randomize
