i think my tv is drunk
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
do herpes really smell.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
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