I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
