I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
