He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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