and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Randomize
