its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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