I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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