Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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