So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
