I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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