upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
my shit smells like andre
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Randomize
