He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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