I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Dicks are not precious.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
