Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
He passed out mid-signature
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Randomize
