Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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