I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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