census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I said "one day" and that day is not today
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
