Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
