I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Randomize
