Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
