I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
