I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
