U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
