So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
