We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
