ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
