Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
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