you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
