ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
