Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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