it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
