Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
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She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
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Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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