We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
It's rum buckets o'clock
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
