Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
