***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
