ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
