Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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