I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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