What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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