the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
