I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
