chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
