You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
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in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
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Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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